Surprise! You're a mom now!

I feel like I left many hanging in my last post, so here comes another long one about Bailey Lynn making her debut into this amazing world...

It was December 2006. I had just gotten home the week before from being at OSU for the fall term. I had decided being that far away from my family, my horse, and mostly Josh, was just too much for me. The entire term down there I found myself making the 2 hour drive home each weekend to see them all. The partying college life simply wasn't for me, so I decided to move back home and take all my prerequisites at a local community college. It was winter break for all colleges at that point.

A few days after being home I start to feel like I am coming down with the flu. After a few days of puking, my mom asks me what's going on. Apparently being a mom gives you super powers of some sort, because she was the one who thought I was pregnant. So, of course, I have to spill the beans that Josh and I have been having unprotected sex (while I was on the pill, but that obviously isn't 100%). Not exactly a fun conversation to have with your mother...I was very ashamed of myself, and I felt like I had let her down somehow. So, later that day I go on down to Rite Aid and buy a pregnancy test. I use it as soon as I get home...and sure enough, it was positive. I had to tell my mom, despite her practically knowing. Then came telling Josh, he claims he had a hunch from me puking, but I think that he just said that due to the shock of the news. He didn't know what else to say.

(Side note, the month before I'd had a pregnancy scare that led to us using more precaution. Turns out the test I took that day was a false negative, I really had been pregnant then. It's funny how you know about things before you really know...if that makes any sense.)

Before telling anyone else, my mom and I made an appointment to see the doctor. Their test confirmed the pregnancy. I remember sitting in that room, and the doctor telling me my options. Up until then I knew I had 3, keep the baby, adopt out the baby, or abort the baby. But, the moment that doctor made the mere mention of an abortion I felt angry inside that he would even suggest I kill the innocent life inside of me. I felt horrible for even thinking for a second that was an "option" of mine. And looking into Bailey's beautiful blue eyes today, it brings tears to my eyes to think that one little decision would have robbed the world of her presence. My mom and Marvin made mention of some family of his who had been desperately trying to have a baby for a long time with no luck. They told us how they would love to adopt this baby and give it all the love in the world. Upon talking about it, Josh and I just couldn't imagine giving our child away to someone else, no matter how loving they were.

Then came the hard part...telling the rest of the family. We were so scared to tell everyone else, or atleast I was. I felt like such a failure, like I let them all down. Instead of being the good girl in the family, I was going to be that girl that got knocked up. So we told my Dad, and then Josh's parents. Of course, there was disappointment in their eyes. We knew we had made a mistake, but it was a mistake we were prepared to live with. (Ask me now, and I will tell you that little girl is the BEST mistake I've ever made in my life.) I think the person I felt like I had let down the most was my brother. I was his older sister, I was supposed to be someone he looked up to for guidance. Not someone he looked at and said, I'll never make that mistake.

Time went on, the morning sickness got worse, and worse. When I was about 12 weeks along I went on a cruise with my Dad, Missy (my now step mom), her daughter, and my brother. Bad idea. As if I wasn't having enough issues with morning sickness before that, I was throwing up much more. I spend 90% of my time in the room, watching reruns of different cartoons and eating Mickey Mouse noodle soup, when I could keep it down. Once we got home, I went back into Nan (my midwife) and she gave me some meds that helped with the sickness, but it never fully went away until I was almost in my third trimester.

After the cruise, the pressure was on me to figure something out. My cousin, Brandy, was going to a trade school to become a Medical Assistant. It was a 9 month course, so nice and quick. In high school I had wanted to be a nurse, so I thought maybe this was for me. I enrolled and spend the rest of my pregnancy in school. I was able to finish all but 1 course before I had to take maternity leave. So I decided I would come back to take the course after Bailey was 6 weeks old. (Turns out the school lied to me, the course I needed wouldn't be available again until the following February.)

Once the morning sickness subsided my pregnancy was relatively uneventful. My due date came, and went, with no sign of labor whatsoever. I was content with that. As far as I was concerned that baby could just stay in my belly forever. I was scared to death to become a mom. August 15 rolls around, I go to my weekly appointment, thinking it would be another one of those, "nothing has changed, see you next week appointments". Nope. Nan says I'm going to be 2 weeks past my due date the next day so they want to induce me the next morning. I leave in shock. It's really happening. When I get home, my mom asks how it went and I break down in tears. All the fears I had been holding in the entire pregnancy flooded me at that moment. I was only 19 years old, and I was within 24 hours of becoming a mom.

The next morning I am up bright and early, not that I slept much that night. My Mom drives Josh and I down to the hospital. The whole ride down I remember looking at the different views out the window, wishing it was any other day but that day. I was scared of what was going to happen that day, scared I wasn't going to be a good enough mom for Bailey.

The moment they put in my IV I got sick. I am pretty sure it was a mixture of nerves and the fact that they were pushing fluids through my body. The pitocin was started on a real slow drip, to ease into it. While I wasn't in labor, the nurse said I was having contractions prior to coming. I simply couldn't feel them. I had all the support in the world from family and close friends that day, my room was full of smiling faces and laughter. I found them to be a great distraction as the pain got worse, which it inevitably did. Forcing your body into labor with medication doesn't allow yourself the time to ease into the pain, atleast that's my theory.

Once I finally reached a 5 they asked me if I wanted an epidural, at first I said no, but once they came in and said the anesthesiologist would be unavailable for a while I decided to just get it. I was so much more relaxed after that, but it was weird not being able to move that much.

As time progressed, my labor did not. I was still not dilated far past a 6, and Bailey still hadn't even dropped into position. I was about 10-11 hours into laboring and things were starting to not look good. Despite attempts to move me, Bailey's heartbeat was all over the place. It would race from the 60's all the way up to the 240's. Nan came in and talked to me about cesarean. I was young, clueless, and scared to death. They were giving me a choice and I didn't know what to do. I was about to become that 1 in 4 they spoke of in my child birth preparation class.

My cousin was there, she had just had her baby via cesarean 6 months (almost to the day) before that. She showed me her scar and told me it really wasn't that bad. When Nan came back in I point blank asked her what would she do. With hesitation, she told me that she'd go for it, because it was either do it now, or rush in emergency later. I said go for it. Little did I know how much that decision would affect me emotionally later on...

Within minutes I was being prepped for surgery, and wheeled into the OR. I remember tearing up as they pushed me past my family, I was so scared. Josh couldn't even be in there with me at first. Thank goodness for my anesthesiologist. He was so kind, he talked to me and comforted me during this time. He was even making me laugh.

Soon enough Josh was able to come in and the surgery began. They told me I would feel like I was being unzipped during the process. I didn't feel a thing, until Nan started pushing on my belly to get Bailey out. Even then it was just mild pressure.

Then I heard it, August 16, 2007 at 7:41 pm, the most beautiful sound a woman ever hears in her life. That first cry. I was so overwhelmed with everything I couldn't even muster up tears myself. I was just in shock. They called Josh over to help and watch, and upon asking me if it was alright, he went over there. It felt like an eternity while they were over there with her. The baby I had carried in my belly for nearly 10 months, and I couldn't even be the first to hold her.

When Josh brought her over, I was afraid to touch her, like I was going to break her or something. I kissed her forehead and snuggled with her the best I could for being strapped on that table while they finished up the surgery. She was the most beautful little thing, grayish blue eyes, and a head full of thick, black hair. 8lbs 11 oz and 20.5 inches of perfection in my eyes.

It was a good thing I got the cesarean, not only was the cord wrapped around her neck 2.5 times, but there was an actual knot in it. Nan says her head was too large for my pelvis as well...but I'm not so sure about that. My (non-medically trained) theory is that the cord prevented her from progressing down in the first place, every time she would start to move down the cord would pull her back up.

The rest of that evening was almost like a blur to me. I remember back in my room the nurses were amazing and cheerful. They had the radio on, and it was Elvis Day, so they were playing all Elvis music. I hardly remember breastfeeding her for the first time, her first bath, or even our family coming in to see her for the first time. Between the medication, the exhaustion, and just the overwhelming amount of hormones and emotions the entire night was more like a dream than a memory.

In fact, most of my stay at the hospital was like that. It seemed more like a dream than reality, like I was a spectator to my own life. I remember people coming to visit, the nurses, and the pain of recovering, but it still feels like it was just a dream. I was a mom, and the reality of it all hadn't fully sunken in.

But, it most certainly did once I brought her home and got absolutely no sleep that first night!